Fuiste tu

“It was you.” That was all I could say to Guatemala as I stared out the plane window and let tears fall silently into the book I wasn’t reading. It was you, who opened my eyes to the world. It was you, who provided me with the first children I ever taught on my own. It was you, who accepted me as a friend and never called me stranger. It was you, who showed me endless physical and emotional beauty. It was you, who angered me beyond reason at why things are they way they are. Drugs, disparities, danger… three D’s that run the people of that country. Three D’s that forced me to make a decision I didn’t want to have to make. Three D’s that taught me to always look over my shoulder, clutch my belongings, never be alone, and trust no one. Three D’s that, if weren’t a reality for everyone I knew, would have made me want to stay in Guatemala for the rest of my life. But it was you, Guatemala. You were my first real love outside my homeland. And I’ll never stop loving you.

My second year in Guatemala was nothing like the first one. Many things were better, many were worse, and many were just… different. But the one thing that was worse that I couldn’t let myself continue living with, was my attitude. I know now that it could have been different. I could have learned to keep my mouth shut about the injustices I was seeing around me at school. I could have learned to shut my classroom door and just love my students as much as I did without caring what others thought. But at the time, it felt impossible. I learned a lot of dirty things about education last year. And I also learned a lot about myself as an educator. I’ve always been told (and have recognized) that I am a very passionate person in every sense of the word; I experience all my emotions with great intensity. But I didn’t realize my emotions could be controlled by someone else (or, in hindsight, “that I could allow my emotions be affected by someone else’s actions”). I wasn’t happy with how my boss was running and treating people at my school and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t! I found myself venting to at least five different people about the same thing, not coming to any kind of conclusion. I was within inches of literally hating someone for the first time in my life. And I was an employee of this person! It was nuts. It was negative. I had to make it stop. And the only way I knew how to do that, since I couldn’t remove this person from the picture, was to remove myself from the situation.

So there you have it. Everything else was perfect; my students, my friends, my country. But the combination of the physical and emotional insecurities Guatemala’s safety issues gave me, and the near-hatred of the person I had to respond to and work for each day, made the answer very clear. It was time to go.

I can’t say I have any regrets. I can say that I have been forever changed from the learning experience I had when leaving Guate. It was a heartache I hadn’t known before. Even after spending my whole life moving, this one was different. The people I met there were unique in a way I’ll just never really understand. From the moment we met, I loved them and they loved me. Maybe its because it was my first teaching job and my first time abroad, but I am just not sure I’ll ever have the same love I grew to have for any other place in the world than I did with mi Guate. And I think it might still be very painful for a long time, knowing that it may not ever be a place I live in again. But for now, I will call it home.

In reflection, here are some of my favorite things/memories about Guatemala:

-the people

-my students

-my coworkers

-la bandera, el quetzal, la ceiba, la monja blanca, etc.

-the earth lodge

-paredon

-the dock at san marcos in atitlan

-the swing at semuc champey

-sweet potato, black bean burritos in antigua

-the view from the highest peak in central America

-our apartment (the second year)

-pupusas

-corn tortillas

-bottle bricks

-running partners and races

-running across the street so fast you SCREAM!

-Spanish lessons

-dinner parties

-celebrating birthdays

-our hammock

-café saul

-trail mix

-speaking with the same accents our students had

-all 15 visitors who shared these experiences

-and knowing, for certain, that I’ll be back again someday

I think of you everyday, Guatemala. I think of you as I ride my bike, walk, shop, and explore freely; I have a greater appreciation for safety. I think of you as I try to learn Vietnamese with almost not luck; I wish I spoke Spanish more. I think of you when I am alone; I was never alone the last two years (and am learning a lot about myself by, well, being by myself). I think of you when I can’t get my Vietnamese students to talk; I wish I would have never told my Guatemalan students to stop talking as much as I did. I think of you when I listen to Spanish music everyday; I wish the whole world knew music that good! And I think of your people all the time and I know I will see them again. Because, well, I’m not so sure what my life was like before I knew them :)

Fuiste tu.