changes

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling 

deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, 

propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and 

start searching for different ways or truer answers."  

-M. Scott Peck

This entry is likely going to seem like a "downer" in relation to my more light-hearted attempts at being hilarious, but I was encouraged this weekend by a dear friend, Katie Y, to write what I truly feel and know during the next year because someday it will really be helpful to look back on what I wrote and just be thankful for everything I really did learn while living here. The last month has really been an emotional roller coaster. I'll use this entry to give a generic apology to all those who have been affected by these emotions (especially my mom) because I'm finding them harder and harder to ignore. I'm also realizing that almost all things in life are a domino affect and if I can't hold it all together, which I realize no one can at all times, everything else seems to start falling down as well.

The end of the school year countdown is now at 5 days. My first year is nearly over and instead of feeling like I should be celebrating the start of summer, I'm feeling intensely worried about what happens next. I feel like my class this year was absolutely amazing. Though by no means was everyday perfect, I felt like both my students and myself went home at 4:30 feeling as though we had learned something significant. Next year, we are getting a new principal, our budget is being cut, and many people who have provided me with irreplaceable support are moving away. Though there are many opportunities that lay within these changes, its a little hard for me to ignore the potential disaster that next year could bring. (*If there are any new hires coming to Inter next month that are reading this and thinking, "Oh dear god," please put your mind at ease and remember that you will be entering a situation where you will not have to see the changes unfold, rather it will just be how things are. I promise this entry will be a one-time worry sessions where I put my thoughts down and come July 22nd, you better believe I will be ready to head to welcoming committee for you!)

I feel like in this last month Guatemala has really been testing me by trying to get me to take a closer look as to what problems exist here and just how much effort it will take for those problems to slowly, but genuinely, decrease. This morning, my boss and his two daughters ages 1 and 2, were robbed at gunpoint while they walked the 500m from their house to a local cafe. Thankfully the girls didn't notice and all the robbers got out of him was a crappy cell phone and about $10 in cash, but this doesn't change the fact that they were also robbed of their feelings of security, freedom and trust in the country in which they live. A mere 15 days before he and his family were about to move away from Guatemala for good, someone had to go put a terrible taste in their mouths about the direction this country is continuing to move in. Every time I finally convince myself that there are far more good people out there than there are bad people, something like this happens. What are people with guns really capable of? Is it used as a ploy to get some quick cash? Or are they that desperate for a phone that they would actually kill someone for it? Why are guns so easily obtained here? What positive purposes do they actually serve? For what reasons do we have police officers, elected officials, security guards, body guards? Is it just for show? How does an entire nation stop living in fear when everyday they are faced with situations where someone is willing to threaten your life for a phone that does nothing more than make calls? And how, especially, can a nation move past these issues when so much time and money is invested in "security" that really doesn't make anyone feel secure at all? To be honest, I get more of an uneasy feeling when I walk past a police truck or a security guard holding an AK-47 outside of a Subway sandwich shop than I do when walking around in my neighborhood.   

The real question, however, lies in how we intend to react to the above questions. We can become permanently changed from the things we have witnessed here, or we can try to figure out a way to help ourselves and others rise above them. My students, though sheltered in many ways, understand the "dangers" around them. The students who don't have bodyguards for their families do have parents that are very much afraid of what is out there. These conversations cannot possibly be kept from the students completely and instead have become engrained in their minds since childhood. I'm starting to think that the only way things are ever going to change here is to show the next generation that it simply doesn't have to be this way. We cannot continue to fight violence with violence. People here are afraid, are on defense, and none of these things can possibly change if we do not inflict change upon them. All I can do now is to walk with confidence and show my students that they will someday be in the position to change the unequal distribution of wealth and power amongst Guatemalans. If there was more to go around, maybe less violence would come around. Maybe. Okaaay, I need to go to bed.