Fulfillment

How important is fulfillment? Is it more important to feel fulfilled in your career or in your lifestyle? When does one know when they have reached fulfillment? Will we always be asking for more, always wanting something different?

Today I asked myself these big questions. I recently stumbled upon an essay I wrote during my college years where I professed my love of education and undeniable desire to help underprivileged children. I preached about the importance of teachers in the lives of youth and the possibilities that can be opened up to a child with the guidance of a caring adult. I made a written promise to serve this population of students with my whole mind, body, and soul, giving back to the world that has given me so much.

So go ahead and ask me if I, three years into my teaching career, am doing what I set out to do.

I'm not.

It's true. This isn't what I feel like I'm doing at all. Of course I put my heart into what I do. I love teaching to the very core and genuinely feel confident in my ability to educate children. But am I putting my "mind, body, and soul" into shaping the lives of children who have nothing? Do I feel like I am opening doors for children who have had them closed and locked for all their lives? Have I spent each day positively influencing the life of someone who could any day now choose a negative path?

Honestly, no.

I teach at a private school. My students' families pay money for their children to receive an American education. They have worked hard and saved their money so they could provide their families with a top-notch education, safety provided by homes and cars, and material possessions to make them feel valued. About the only thing these families can't provide is time.

I realize teaching students who have the capacity to go on to be future leaders of their country has great value. I'd like to think that my students are learning ethics and compassion from me that they can one day practice on their employees. But at the end of the day, do I feel like I am truly helping the youth of Viet Nam? Do I think that if it weren't for my presence, these children could wind up on the streets like so many of their countryside counter-parts? Not at all.

Today, this fact really bothered me. Its not my students' fault. They are sweet, kind, hard-working, and adorable. They want to succeed and understand that education is what will help them rise above their competitors. And truthfully, all children need a teacher. I grew up in a middle class community and thank my lucky stars that my teachers never decided that their job wasn't fulfilling because they helped shape who I am today.

But something just doesn't feel right.

I spoke about this with my incredible friend and coworker today and she helped me talk it out. I think for the last few years, my love of travelling has trumped my need to serve the less fortunate. How long can someone ignore this need? Because I am fairly certain it is infused in my viens. How long can I be "fulfilled" when I am only "fulfilling" my own selfish wants? When do I realize that travelling will mean nothing if it is just for myself. That unless I grow and share in a culture, I really haven't travelled at all.

My brother has been country hopping for a few months now and has been able to communicate (through spoken language!) with each country's inhabitants. He has sipped their wine, dressed in their traditional clothing, danced to music played from drums, and truly gotten to understand the ins and outs of a culture new to him. I feel like in the 9 months I've been in Viet Nam, I haven't even gotten to do that. Our students' families are private and don't speak English, many Vietnamese seem unsure of/unhappy towards foreigners, and the language is just about impossible to learn (though I'm still trying!).

So how can I call myself a world traveller when I hardly spend time with the world's people? Is this really more important to me than helping those who truly need it? Would there be more thought put into my travels if they happened less frequently? Would I focus my efforts on experiencing a part of the world that I felt I had something to offer? Would my general fulfillment in life improve because my fulfillment in my career has?

Instead of asking, "Do I feel fulfilled," maybe a better question is this: "I am fulfilling my role in society?"

This is all Google Images gave me. Maybe I should just binge eat instead?