Conversations

When the ending credits rolled past the screen, I stared at the blank faces of my thirteen silent students. As the music came to a stop we remained quiet for a moment longer, shocked at the visual of seeing Anne Frank and her family finally caught after two years of hiding. I broke the silence with one simple question, “What are you feeling right now?” The response I got was nowhere near related to the lesson plans I had typed and sent to my administration the previous week. It was nothing I thought I would hear from a nine-year-old. And I certainly couldn't have predicted it would lead to a conversation that took up an hour of our math block.

“I feel guilty.”

Confused looks and some gawks entered the room. Some may have been confused because they had never heard the word guilty before while others thought it seemed an inappropriate response to the BBC film series on the Secret Annex we had just finished.

“You feel guilty.  Do you feel comfortable telling us more?”

With a sigh and bowed head, this sweet, dedicated, incredibly insightful nine-year-old said the following:

“I feel guilty because there is some Japan in my family. And Japan, they fight with the Nazis. They do those bad things to the Jews. And that makes me feel guilty because I am some Japan too.”

Geez. If I wasn’t holding back tears during the movie I certainly was now. I hadn’t realized this feeling was probably weighing on the mind of this student throughout our entire unit on cultural conflicts. A feeling so irrational yet so connected to the way I feel as an American walking down the streets of Saigon. To console him meant begging and pleading him to trust that he had nothing to do with this, that it was likely that no one in his family lines even had anything to do with this. It meant persuading him that forgiveness is a powerful act that people should try their hardest to embrace. That regardless of what happened in the past, we are now in the present and we can only live for today.

The conversation went in many directions. First, the concept of blame. You are not at fault. Your family it not at fault. You have done nothing wrong and by studying these events you can move forward with an open heart towards all people. Next, the idea of guilt. Why can’t we shake it? How do I feel responsible for all the victims of agent orange, crippled into unimaginable forms, when it happened long before I was born? How can we release ourselves from the grips of guilt, when the repercussions of our actions are so plainly in sight? Finally, we discussed the necessity of forgiveness and with it, the struggle to forget. Many student said they have forgiven all the nations that have attacked Vietnam (look it up, there have been many) but few felt they were unable to ever truly forget the pain and suffering brought upon their people. Who could blame them?

All these emotions, so intense and powerful for even adults, were vocalized by fourth graders. Their wisdom is beyond what they are even aware of. Our talk later turned into the direction of potential, and how their words on this day had left me covered in goose bumps. Everyone’s potential is reachable but it must first be realized. I think this talk reminded me to constantly refer back to the capabilities we all have. The capabilities to feel guilt, fault, forgiveness, love. No one is too young (or too old, for that matter) to feel.